Do you ever feel like you’re speaking a different language than the person you’re talking to  — and you’re both speaking English? You walk away wondering: did they even hear what I was trying to say?

That kind of disconnect isn’t about poor listening or unclear words. It’s about misalignment. Neuroscience shows that every discussion isn’t one conversation at all — it’s actually three.

Think of them as buckets we shift between constantly, sometimes within the same few minutes:

  • Practical conversations: What’s the plan? What needs to get done?
  • Emotional conversations: How do I feel? Can you hear me, not fix me?
  • Social conversations: Who am I in this moment? How do I want you to see me?

Here’s the fascinating part: when two people are in different buckets at the same time, they can’t really hear each other. They end up talking past one another — and calling it communication.

I experienced this with my friend Claire. I was sharing something that upset me, and she immediately jumped in with a solution. From her perspective, she was being a good friend — she didn’t want me to suffer; she had a fix and wanted to help. But what I needed wasn’t advice. It was empathy. She was in the practical bucket. I was in the emotional one.

If this happens with close friends, imagine how it plays out at work. Your team member asks for feedback but really wants recognition. Your client shares a concern but needs reassurance, not solutions. In those settings, mismatched conversations don’t just feel awkward. They cost us trust, connection, and better decisions. No wonder projects stall and clients feel unheard.

This is where the best communicators stand out. In his book Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg shows that what sets them apart isn’t just asking 10x more questions than everyone else — it’s listening for which type of conversation the other person is in before they respond.

The good news: this isn’t a personality trait. It’s a skill. The evidence is clear — conversations get dramatically better when we notice which type of dialogue we’re in.

My invitation for you this week:

In your next team meeting, client call, or difficult conversation, pause and ask yourself: Is this person in a practical, emotional, or social conversation? Then meet them there.

Because connection isn’t about talking more. It’s about asking deeper questions.

Until next time,

Margalit

PS: If you’d like to practice this yourself, my guide The Art of Asking Smarter Questions shares four ways to raise your Questioning IQ. Download it here.

And if you’re curious about the research, I highly recommend Charles Duhigg’s TED Talk The Science Behind Dramatically Better Conversations and his book Supercommunicators.