I attended a wedding recently at one of LA’s poshest 5-star hotels. The setting was breathtaking, and when the bride made her entrance, her dress and radiant smile blew me away. That was until I saw two large, shaggy dogs by her side.
She’s walking down the aisle in her fabulous dress, in this exquisite place — with her dogs? I was in Judge Margalit mode. Couldn’t she just have left them at home? I decided the groom, who was the son of one of my husband’s closest friends, was marrying one of those privileged La-La-Land crazy women!
As humans, we are terrible at understanding or predicting why anyone does something or thinks a certain way. Research confirms that we believe we are good mind readers, but it’s not true – we’re wrong most of the time.
Judgment vs curiosity is an important part of my conversation with clients because you can’t be judgmental and curious at the same time. I believe our choice to shift from judgment to curiosity is the cornerstone of resolving interpersonal conflicts.
Back when I owned Gotcha Covered, we had a good customer service rep who started to go south. Customers loved Alice, and she was a valuable member of our team. Suddenly, she started showing up late and arguing with co-workers. My business partner wanted her gone, and my own frustration level was high.
Instead of reprimanding her, I became curious. I asked Alice what was going on, and after a few gentle questions, she told me that her mother had died, and she hadn’t been able to afford to travel to her funeral. We discussed how much time off she might need to restore her spirit, and then I let her take a 9-day paid leave. When Alice returned, she was her old self again, and continued to be a valuable part of our team for many more years.
Most people believe answers are more important than questions; I believe the opposite.
~Margalit
When conflict occurs in a relationship or in our business, our natural reaction is to jump into fear and judgment. They shouldn’t be doing this! (Walking her dogs down the aisle.) This shouldn’t be happening! (Alice’s bad attitude.)
But when I shift into curiosity, magic happens. The chatter in my head quiets down, I begin to think more clearly and ask questions. Genuine, non-judgmental questions allow the other person to feel seen and heard, which opens them up further.
Most people believe answers are more important than questions; I believe the opposite.
Want to resolve a challenge in your life? Ask questions first. Questions open doors, answers close them.
Oh, and that La-La Land wedding? A few days later, I talked to the groom, and he told me the real story. The bride’s mom wanted the big extravagant wedding, and being the good daughter, she acquiesced. But she’d felt so uncomfortable being the center of attention that she brought her furry friends in at the last minute, hoping the guests would pay more attention to them than to her.