I was coaching a COO last week and she was really upset. She started telling me how her design team completely missed the mark on an important project.
“I have no idea how they missed what they needed to do, how did they not understand what I meant?” she asked.
I was about to ask what she could do next, but then she said, “I thought I was clear. I have no idea how to deal with this.”
I could feel her energy drop. Something in her tone told me this wasn’t just about her team missing the mark – so I got curious.
What if this wasn’t only about her team? What if her questions revealed something about how she was thinking about the whole situation?
What Your Questions Are Really Saying
I’ve spent years teaching leaders how to ask smarter questions. But here’s what I never fully appreciated until recently: our questions reveal how we handle problems when we’re under pressure.
My client’s “How could they not understand what I meant?” wasn’t about gathering information. It showed her approach to the problem – looking for what went wrong rather than how to move forward.
Here’s what I’ve noticed: we all have a default questioning style that shows up when things don’t go as planned.
Your questions aren’t just tools for gathering information. They reveal:
✔️ How you respond when things go sideways
✔️ Whether you’re building trust or creating distance
✔️ What kind of conversation you’re actually having
✔️ How your team feels after talking with you
The Three Questioning Styles
I’ve noticed three distinct questioning styles that show up – especially under pressure:
- Fault-finding focused: “How could they not understand what I meant? What were they thinking? How did they miss that?”
- Assumption-based: “Wasn’t it obvious that… I thought I was clear about… Don’t they know that…”
- Curiosity driven: “Help me understand your thinking here. What would have made my expectations clearer? What perspective am I missing?”
The Shift
Here’s why this matters: our questions reveal how we handle problems – and how we handle problems determines our results.
☑️ When your questions are about who’s at fault, you’re building defensive teams.
☑️ When they’re rooted in assumptions, you’re creating confusion.
☑️ And when they come from curiosity, you create alignment and trust.
It’s that simple. And that powerful.
The best part? Your questioning style isn’t fixed. You can shift from fault-finding to curiosity in real time – even in the middle of a tough conversation.
So here’s my question for you: what style do your questions reveal about how you handle problems? And what would change if you shifted your approach?
Because the people around you already know the answer. They feel it every time you open your mouth.
Change your questions, change your results. Download the Guide ‘The Art of Asking Smarter Questions’ here.