Ever had that moment when an employee asks for something, and your first thought is “They can’t ask me that!”? Or maybe it’s “They can’t do that!” – that knee-jerk reaction to someone crossing what you perceive as a boundary?
I recently coached a client who reacted this way when an employee asked for a raise. She was outraged that he’d even asked the question.
“He can’t ask me that,” she insisted.
Really? He can’t ask you that? He just did!
What’s Really Happening Here?
When we react with “They can’t ask/do/suggest that” we’re usually:
- Feeling caught off-guard
- Responding to a perceived entitlement
- Avoiding a tough conversation
- Distracting ourselves from the real issue
After her initial shock, she started listing all the employee’s shortcomings.
But here’s the thing: whether he deserves a raise and whether he has the right to ask for one are completely separate issues.
It was as if she was fixated on the audacity of the question: How dare he? Who does he think he is?
But is that the biggest problem here? Or is it that she doesn’t think he’s good enough, period?
The most effective leaders recognize when they’re stuck in the wrong mental space—and pivot to focus on the real issue instead.”
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