I was coaching a client who felt his marketing team wasn’t respected by sales. He was frustrated, convinced sales saw them as just “the creative people” who didn’t really understand the business.
So, I asked him:
“What would it look like if you were respected? What would you need to see or experience to know that was happening?”
Long pause. Longer than usual.
“I don’t know.”
We started exploring what being respected might actually look like in practice.
But before we got very far, he stopped and said:
“You know what? Maybe I already am respected… I just didn’t realize it.”
This guy is sharp – he has unusual wisdom. And he’d just stumbled onto something most of us miss.
Because he’d never defined what ”having it” looked like, he’d couldn’t see that he already had it.
Think about it. How often does this happen in our own lives?
→ We want more respect.
→ Better communication.
→ Stronger teamwork.
→ Closer relationships.
But if someone asked, “What would it look like when you have it? How would you know?” most of us would pause too.
Last year, a client asked me to challenge her more. I was thrilled.
“What can I do to make you feel more challenged?”
She couldn’t tell me.
This was great data. And it opened up an entirely different (and more honest) line of exploration.
It’s going deep like this, not focusing on the surface complaint, that really brings clarity to one’s life.
Because the real question isn’t whether you have what you want. It’s whether you’d recognize it if you did.
If you don’t know what “having it” looks like, you’ll keep feeling like you don’t – even when you do.