When I get defensive, I know something’s off.

I’ve trained myself to pause when I’m triggered and get curious instead. But lately, defensiveness keeps showing up in conversations with my clients. So, I wanted to understand: What’s really happening in those moments? And what actually helps us move through it?

I dug into the science. Here’s what I learned.

Your Brain Thinks YOU = GOOD

Your brain is wired to protect your self-image.

That’s why 50% of people think they’re above-average drivers.  And 70% of the leaders I surveyed rated themselves as above average in asking questions.

We’re not delusional – our brains are wired to protect our sense of self.

When someone gives you feedback – even constructive, well-intentioned feedback – your brain conflates the criticism with a threat to your self-image. It’s not just “this thing I did wasn’t great.” It’s “They’re saying I’m not good.”

Defensiveness kicks in. We dig in our heels. We shut down.

Nothing changes. We’re busy defending ourselves instead of improving the situation.

When I Took It Personally (And When I Didn’t)

I still remember when my business partner walked out of a meeting with me and my customer service manager. We were showing her photographs for our website, and she didn’t like them. At all. She was harsh and direct about it – and she left abruptly because there wasn’t anything she deemed approval-worthy.

My first reaction? Defensive. Offended. She was rude. She could have handled that differently.

But here’s what happened when I stepped back: I saw she was right. The photography was bad. We weren’t ready for her final okay. And her feedback, however blunt, was important.

We reshot the photos. Our website ended up looking great.

The shift happened when I stopped taking it personally and started asking questions. That’s when I could actually hear what she was saying.

And here’s something I’ve learned works great when you’re the one giving feedback:

Tell a Story

Research shows that our brains respond differently to stories than to direct feedback.

When someone gives you a list of facts or tells you what you should do differently, your brain immediately goes into agree/disagree mode. Defensive walls go up.

But when information comes through a story, different neural pathways light up. You’re not evaluating whether you agree or what this means about you personally. You’re observing those in the story handling things differently than you did.

You’re moving away from agree/disagree and toward understanding.

Stories pull us out of ego and self-importance.

You’ve probably seen this work without even realizing it.

Think about it as a parent: “Stop yelling at your sister!” rarely works. But “would you like to hear a story about two sisters who learned to solve problems differently?” opens a door.

The same is true in leadership. Direct appeals to change behavior often trigger defensiveness. Stories get around it.

When you’re giving feedback:

Stop leading with “You should…” or “You need to…”

Instead, share a story. “I was working with a team last year that faced something similar. Here’s what they tried…” or “I remember when I struggled with this exact thing. What helped me was…”

You’re not threatening their identity. You’re offering a pathway. And their brain can receive it differently.

The One Clear Takeaway

Defensiveness isn’t a character flaw. It’s your brain trying to protect you. But it’s also what keeps you – and your team – from growth.

When you understand that your brain conflates “me” with “good,” you can start to separate the two. When you use stories instead of direct critique, you help others bypass the defensive response entirely.

And when defensiveness loosens its grip? The opportunity to change becomes possible.

Until next time,

Margalit